gunky

still learning

notes to self re: going on "vacation" with three year old and three month old:

1) have single destination. take day excursions, but stay at same location each night. do not attempt nine nights in six different places.

2) maintain rituals. do not skip bath time, story time, or peanut butter toast breakfast. put children to bed on time.

3) appreciate what you have at home. do not covet locations you visit. consult realtor immediately.

terminology

there seems to be some disagreement. please help. i will turn 37 in three weeks. am i "almost FORTY"?

ask gunky IV

Dear Gunky,

I recently overheard an acquaintance talking about my child to another person: "The reason he [my child] doesn't know how to share is because he is an only child." I suppose what is so offensive to me is that my 21 month-old son, who was admitted to preschool early because of his aptitude, and who attends preschool twenty hours a week, does understand sharing. For example, he regularly says, "Mommy's turn", and offers me a block to stack or a bite of his food, or he says, "Our dogs' turn", when it's time for them to go on a walk. I don't know what caused this woman to make such a judgement, but how can I stop it from irritating me?

Sincerely, Burning Up In Baltimore

dear b.u.i.b.,

thank you for making my job easy by posting such an obvious question. let me try to answer without you seeing my eyeballs roll: your acquaintance is unschooled in the field of child development. a simple web search will reveal that the average child doesn't have enough control over his/her emotions to reliably share until he/she is a few years old. your advanced-aptitude child may understand the concept earlier than others, but that doesn't mean he can/will consistently follow through. but why should he? that's what toddlerhood is for.

the challenge here is deciphering the part about being an only child. do 21 month-olds with infant syblings share with those syblings? or do they share better with their peers? a simple no and a what-does-this-person-have-against-adults-who-space-their-pregnancies-more-responsibly-than-a-preteen-in-the-bayou? is my response.

and finally: get ahold of yourself. for the rest of your life you and your child will be remarked upon infavorably and that's part of living among humans. be confident that you and he are doing the best that you can, which is better than most, and that you will always be surrounded by idiots, wherever you go.

i declare

to make things easier: when talking on the phone and the call is, for whatever reason, inadvertently disconnected, the person who originally placed the call should call back the other person. pass it on.

ask gunkyIII

the humvee exposed

dear gunky,

my husband wants to buy a hummer. he has been saving his money for one for a few years now and he will have very low payments. therefore i figure, why not? however, i have heard some negative comments here and there concerning these vehicles. what's the big deal?

sincerely, loving wife in newport beach

dear ignorant woman: i realize that the average city driver constantly encounters rugged, off-road terrain that requires a full time four weel drive vehicle capable of clearing two feet of water, overtaking deep ditches and traversing large dirt mounds, but let me explain to you what you obviously don't understand or you wouldn't be living in newport beach.

the hummer is very large and imposing. it says to other drivers, "i am BIG you are small. move out of my way." it costs a lot of money. it says to others, "i have a LOT of money. move out of my way." it has a lot of accessories and capabilites that will never be used. it says to other drivers, "i am POWERFUL. move out of my way." it requires a lot of gas. it says to other drivers, "i am WASTEFUL. move out of my way." in a nutshell, it says, "i have a giant, bad-ass truck that serves no other purpose than to make me feel giant and bad-ass, although i am actually mindless and ineffectual. I AM A PROUD, AMERICAN CONSUMER."

it's the perfect vehicle for your husband.

ask gunky II

telling it like it is

dear gunky,

i am a stay at home mom with two young children. when the three of us go out on our daily errands the kids get a lot attention from clerks and other shoppers and they are often complimented on their good behavior. however, there are some people who give us the stink eye for no apparent reason. these people are invariably women either dressed in business attire or wearing a face lift. i didn't do anything to them - what gives?

sincerely, mommy in mama land

dear MIML: i suspect you are doing your errands in your husband's t-shirt and some stained, high waisted, 5 year old capri pants. perhaps you don't shower or at least arrange your hair somewhat neatly before you depart. even if your children are well behaved, and i don't know why they would be if you drag them on errands daily, you must adhere to a womanly code. when mommies appear disheveled in public, you are silently telling others that your children have taken away your respect for yourself. not only does that make you a martyr (no one likes a martyr) but it tells those high-falutin' carrer girls that mommies are sloppy jalopies, not ladies. I'm not saying you need a full face of make up and a stylist to exit your front door - i'm saying give yourself the time you deserve to feel good about yourself. then you tell the public that you can be well put together and you can baby wrangle. make your job look easy, desirable, and even glamorous. then the stares you get (for you will always get them, you are a woman) will be ones of envy and amazement rather than of disgust and pity. keep up the front like june cleaver did - in a 21st century way. and drink lots of wine. lots and lots of wine.

ask gunky I

dear gunky: my child is turning two next month. most of her little friends nap from about 12-2pm, so i want to start the party around 3pm. however, my husband thinks that's too late because guests may linger into the evening. he thinks we should start the party at noon and parents can adjust the naptimes or else we should put on the invitation that the party is from 3-5pm. what do you think we should do? sincerely, conflicted in california

dear conflicted, it sounds to me like you are trolling for birthday presents. you may as well direct people to a drop box on your front porch. if you actually want to have a party it will be for the adults to enjoy, so allow them to stay as long as they want (chances are it won't be too long if your fun-loving husband is there), and serve them alcohol (we are talking cocktails and/or wine) regardless of the time of day. let me restate: always serve alcohol to the adults at a party. any party. every time.